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Strange thought

I'm taking college classes these days, full time. It's good for me, it gets my head focused on things I'd naturally avoid. The kids on this campus are something else, alien-like. I was walking from my car to the library this morning when I passed a kid who was leaving the library. He was a small kid, maybe 17-19. He didn't look to weigh much, maybe 120, he was wearing his baseball hat like an asshole with a flat brim. He seemed innocent enough. I was walking and enjoying the crisp air in my nose and lungs. Without prompting or warning, my brain went to a time when we were back in Baqubah, Iraq. The short story is that we were one vehicle in a cordon made up of our own trucks and some trucks from another unit. That unit had Bradley's for vehicles, one Bradley took a catastrophic hit and the guys inside were severely injured. They needed to be pulled out and evacuated back to the nearest Combat Support Hospital (CSH or cash). We moved our vehicle up, the casualties were loaded and then we moved back to the FOB (Forward Operating Base) to get the casualties to the CSH. When we pulled in with the casulaties, we quickly unloaded the guys. As we were unloading, we realized that one of the guys died in transit. While walking into the library today and seeing that kid walk past me, without warning, I thought of the other kid in Baqubah who didn't survive the ride from his Bradley to the CSH.

I dismissed that initial thought which brought on sadness. I switched to anger, which is my way of coping I guess. I got angry that the kid walking past me, leaving the library was wearing his hat like an asshole. I got angry that he didn't have more pride-of-self. I got a little angry that he didn't weigh more, I got a little angry that he didn't walk taller. I got angry because instead of actually shifting my thoughts and emotions away from that kid who died in Baqubah, I projected my thoughts and feelings toward that kid leaving the library instead. If the kid leaving the library weighed more, maybe the kid in Baqubah would still be alive. If the kid leaving the library wouldn't wear his hat like an asshole, maybe that kid in Baqubah would be married now.... I know the two aren't connected and the thoughts are irrational. They're fleeting attempts at taking something incomprehensible and making it fit logically into my reality.

I get angry because I wonder about the guys who die in combat. I wonder what they'd be like if they survived, I wonder if we'd be friends and if they'd be good people. When I look around on campus and I see kids being kids, appearing to act like jackasses, I wonder what was traded for these kids to have the ability to be who they are. I wonder if the trade was worth it.

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